…and she makes me heart melt every time I hear her voice or see a new text message from her. She gave me butterflies when she kissed me yesterday. I feel like I’m on cloud 9, and I never want to get down. She’s beautiful, talented, smart…It is such an amazing feeling. ❤
Absolutely terrified July 22, 2013
I’m so scared to get back on the scale. It makes me just want to cry thinking about it. I’ve completely neglected myself; lost all control over my eating and activity. I can see negative changes to my body…things are getting hard to do. My face is getting fatter. My ankles are bigger. I can’t do this any more. I just can’t. I CAN’T DO IT.
I’m ashamed of myself in every way possible. I hate going anywhere, doing anything…I went to see a movie with my family yesterday, and I had to sit a seat away from everyone because I was in everyone’s space. I HAD TO SIT AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND SIT ALL BY MY FUCKING SELF BECAUSE I WAS TOO FAT. I’ve done this all to myself – I know I have. I’m horrified, sickened, disgusted. I don’t even know what to do anymore.
I guess I’m going to start juicing again in the mornings, and trying to eat better during the day. I’ve also been going to water aerobics lately with some co workers so that’s going alright. I have to do something about this. I don’t want to die of a heart attack in my 20s. I refuse to slowly kill myself anymore. Yesterday was a huge eye opener for me, and I intend to use it as major motivation.
I’m also going to try to establish a doctor in my area for guidance. I need some serious help, and I need to get back onto my PCOS medication. I’m insulin resistant…that isn’t helping anything AT ALL. It’s not diabetes, but it’s very close.
So, I guess that’s it. I’m sorry for being gone (working over 50+ hours a week lately), and I probably will only post every few days, but I need to get something started here. I was doing so well for a while, and I’d love to get back to that. I would do anything to get back to that.
I’ll get there. June 2, 2013
Trying to completely change your life when you are already so broken is harder than one may be able to imagine.
So, I’m not there yet, but I will be. One day, I’ll be who I was meant to be.
O, alcohol. May 5, 2013
I don’t have a drinking problem, though when you read this you will think that I do.
I like writing when the drunk opportunistic arises, though I feel bad that it’s the second time in a week. But anyways, I have a few friends over, one of them a male, the other a female. The female I have had a crush 0ne for the longest time. The male is different, obviously. I’m drunk, but checking my spelling quite closely, and the only friend staying over is the guy. No big, he’s like my brother, I love him to death.
Fuck, this is taking too long. I can’t seem to type without proper grammar and shit. Whatever. I will try to let it go. Don’t think I am. UGH. FINE. I am drunk with my best friend and mom. SO EFFING SUE ME. Don’t care. ANYWAYS. My best friend is a guy. I think if I wasn’t gay then I’d be with him. That’s a weird thing to say. He’s just a cool guy. ANYWAY FUCKING WAYS. I’m talking to this girl. She seems legit. Ish. I don’t know how old she is. But I’m ready to be done with all these games and shit.
I want someone. I wants someone who understands me and loves me. I wants someone who gets why I love my family and why I care so much.
I suppose doing this blog doesn’t help…Finn, what do you think? I know this is the second drunk post I’ve made. Why don’t I fly across the pond and live with you? Maybe life would be less complicated. Perhaps I will fly across the pond anyways. You’re my favorite on this blog. But I digress. I hope my friends undersrtand me. I hope they get my I am frustrated. I hope they understand why I can’t seem to share my feelings. Oh well. I give up. I don’t understad what love means right now. I hate feelign this way.
Anywho,, mom’s home from her walk, shoul probably get off here. Hope al is well! Love you all.
Post juice fast reflection. April 28, 2013
Weight as of March 25th: 355 lbs
Weight as of Day One (April 15th): 341.8 lbs
Weight as of Day Ten (April 25th): 327.3 lbs
Weight lost during fast: 14.5 lbs
Total weight lost since March 25th: 27.7 lbs
Sorry that I hadn’t gotten back to report everything! Its been a busy past few days! I’m so very excited to say that my fast was WILDLY successful, and that I am still feeling excellent!
Over the past day or so I’ve been silently reflecting on what I had gone through, what I learned, and how I still feel about my experiences with my very first juicing fast. First of all, I had to face a lot of my inner demons on this fast, and that in and of itself was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever put myself through. To be home alone and bored and not being able to eat, but WANTING to eat anyways had caused me to look at myself in the mirror and say “you have a problem eating when you’re bored, and you need to do something about it.” That is hard when you’ve remained ignorant to your problems for so long. I had to face the inner demon telling me that it won’t matter, because I will probably just go back to eating poorly afterwards anyways; I simply just told that one to fuck off, because I can and WILL eat healthier. So far, so good!
Along with recognizing my own demons, I was also able to find more inner strength than I thought possible. I found the strength to ignore the devil on my shoulder who told me it was okay to give up before the ten days were over. I had the strength to listen to the angel on the other shoulder when she said she was proud of me for pushing through those tough moments. I finally had the strength to look at myself and say “Goodness, you are beautiful and you need to always know that about yourself.”
I’m beyond thrilled that I still have an intense sense of motivation that hasn’t wavered since I finished my fast four days ago. I love getting up in the mornings and walking, and I love eating better. I love knowing that this week I’ll be doing my work out video AT LEAST three times and parking further from my building at work to get a little more walking in. I love knowing that most likely I’ll be doing another fast (probably only a week long) in May. I also love being able to proudly write a blog saying that I’ve done well lately. I love being so positive about how everything is going.
At this very moment, I’m recovering from a 25 minute elliptical workout – it feels amazing to sweat and feel just intensely powerful/strong. While I was going, I kept telling myself that the more I do this or any workout the sooner I will be at my goal weight and be so much healthier. I have definitely earned my shower tonight, and that feels fucking AWESOME!
Well, I’m gonna go enjoy that spray down, and I’ll be back in the next few days with another update.
Morning of Day 8 April 23, 2013
Weight as of Day One (April 15th): 341.8 lbs
Weight as of today: 328.8 lbs
Weight lost: 13 lbs
Total weight lost since March 25th: 26.3 lbs
Well, I’m getting down to the last few days of my juicing. Thursday will be my last day, and I just can’t even believe it. It’s tested just about every nerve in my body to resist temptations, and to remind myself that I’m doing this for a great reason. As recently as yesterday, I was still contemplating ending early – in fact, I was very close to eating a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. But, I’m determined to see this to the end.
To some, ten days seems like no big deal. To me, ten days was probably the biggest challenge I have put myself through. The experience has been eye opening, to say the least. It’s allowed me to question why I have an emotional relationship with food. I’ve been able to be around others eating and not give in just because I knew something would taste good. Juicing has given me incredible energy that I never really thought I could have. I’m cured of my caffeine addiction, and now I know what my body needs to feel healthy and amazing.
I had an off day yesterday (wanting grilled cheese and all…) but I’m glad I was able to get through it and wake up really positive today. I’m hoping to make the next two days just as positive.
I’ll be back soon!
Day 6 of juicing April 21, 2013
Weight as of Day One (April 15th): 341.8 lbs
Weight as of today: 331.5 lbs
Weight lost: 10.3 lbs
Total weight lost since March 25th: 23.5 lbs
Tomorrow at 1pm marks seven full days since I have eaten anything, and since I have began juicing. For the life of me, I really can’t believe I’ve done it. I can’t believe that I’ve gone this long, and resisted all the temptations that have been around me. This weekend has been the absolute hardest part, and I’ll explain why…
Yesterday my mom wanted to go to a plant nursery and produce stand that she passes every day on her way to work. My parents, brother, and I went and enjoyed the stand very much – it had great prices and my mom found some plants she had been looking for. It was getting towards dinner time, and I had juiced something quickly before we left, but it wasn’t close to what I normally juice. My family was hungry but didn’t want to eat anything because of me. I told them not to worry about it – I can handle them eating in front of me. Well, they chose pho, which happens to be one of my favorite foods. No matter…I figured I would just order some tea and be alright.
As soon as we walked in, I knew I was in for a struggle. It smelled amazing in there! When they ordered, I asked for tea and lime for my water. Their food came, and my stomach began to rumble. About ten minutes passed, and I was doing alright. I watched the tv hanging on the wall and tried to ignore the smells around me. A waiter came by to fill my water and asked if they had forgotten my order. I smiled and said no, but thank you. Another waiter came by and nearly gave me a plate meant for another table. It became a little harder to ignore everything, but I continued to drink my water and focus on the tv screen. Eventually everyone was finished, and I all but ran out of the restaurant. Phew! It was over!
I woke up this morning ready to just sit on the couch all day and totally relax. My body woke itself up around 7:30am, which is a miracle because normally on the weekends I sleep until 9 or 10am. I felt rested, and that made me happy. Getting on the scale of course was even better. The day was great until my mom decided that she was going to make stuffed peppers for dinner. Once again, this was one of my favorite foods. I LOVE stuffed peppers. My mom didn’t realize this and felt kind of bad, but of course she wasn’t going to change plans for the rest of the family. I don’t blame her, but as soon as she started cooking, my stomach flipped. I felt a little nauseous, but it passed after some cucumber and lemon juice. When it was time for dinner, I felt silly by the fact that I was longing for a stuffed pepper. I was so close to practically mauling one in order to calm myself down. But again, I refrained. Another amazing accomplishment.
So this weekend was very difficult. It took a lot of patience and self control and for that, I’m very proud of myself. My mom even made a comment to how well she thinks I’m doing. This is honestly and truly the first time I have firmly stuck with a decision and choice like this. This was a big decision that I made rather quickly, and there have been MANY times over the course of the past week when I told myself it was alright to give in. Thankfully, there is a tiny, small voice in my head that just keeps whispering “Keep going! You will be so proud when you are through!” I’m not through yet, but I am alright glowing with pride that I’ve made it this far.
I’m in the last half of this incredible goal, and I can’t wait to write when I’m finished. I’ll definitely be back before then with more progress though 🙂
Cheers, and I’ll be back soon,