I’m so scared to get back on the scale. It makes me just want to cry thinking about it. I’ve completely neglected myself; lost all control over my eating and activity. I can see negative changes to my body…things are getting hard to do. My face is getting fatter. My ankles are bigger. I can’t do this any more. I just can’t. I CAN’T DO IT.
I’m ashamed of myself in every way possible. I hate going anywhere, doing anything…I went to see a movie with my family yesterday, and I had to sit a seat away from everyone because I was in everyone’s space. I HAD TO SIT AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND SIT ALL BY MY FUCKING SELF BECAUSE I WAS TOO FAT. I’ve done this all to myself – I know I have. I’m horrified, sickened, disgusted. I don’t even know what to do anymore.
I guess I’m going to start juicing again in the mornings, and trying to eat better during the day. I’ve also been going to water aerobics lately with some co workers so that’s going alright. I have to do something about this. I don’t want to die of a heart attack in my 20s. I refuse to slowly kill myself anymore. Yesterday was a huge eye opener for me, and I intend to use it as major motivation.
I’m also going to try to establish a doctor in my area for guidance. I need some serious help, and I need to get back onto my PCOS medication. I’m insulin resistant…that isn’t helping anything AT ALL. It’s not diabetes, but it’s very close.
So, I guess that’s it. I’m sorry for being gone (working over 50+ hours a week lately), and I probably will only post every few days, but I need to get something started here. I was doing so well for a while, and I’d love to get back to that. I would do anything to get back to that.