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O, alcohol. May 5, 2013

I don’t have a drinking problem, though when you read this you will think that I do.

I like writing when the drunk opportunistic arises, though I feel bad that it’s the second time in a week. But anyways, I have a few friends over, one of them a male, the other a female. The female I have had a crush 0ne for the longest time. The male is different, obviously. I’m drunk, but checking my spelling quite closely, and the only friend staying over is the guy. No big, he’s like my brother, I love him to death.

Fuck, this is taking too long. I can’t seem to type without proper grammar and shit. Whatever. I will try to let it go. Don’t think I am. UGH. FINE. I am drunk with my best friend and mom. SO EFFING SUE ME. Don’t care. ANYWAYS. My best friend is a guy. I think if I wasn’t gay then I’d be with him. That’s a weird thing to say. He’s just a cool guy. ANYWAY FUCKING WAYS. I’m talking to this girl. She seems legit. Ish. I don’t know how old she is. But I’m ready to be done with all these games and shit.

I want someone. I wants someone who understands me and loves me. I wants someone who gets why I love my family and why I care so much.

I suppose doing this blog doesn’t help…Finn, what do you think? I know this is the second drunk post I’ve made. Why don’t I fly across the pond and live with you? Maybe life would be less complicated. Perhaps I will fly across the pond anyways. You’re my favorite on this blog. But I digress. I hope my friends undersrtand me. I hope they get my I am frustrated. I hope they understand why I can’t seem to share my feelings. Oh well. I give up. I don’t understad what love means right now. I hate feelign this way.

Anywho,, mom’s home from her walk, shoul probably get off here. Hope al is well! Love you all.





The emotions of a song. November 4, 2012

(The music while reading this helps bring out the emotion. Please enjoy.)

It’s like I’m running through a city; New York and no one can hear me scream and cry for someone to help me. I just want help…All I need is someone to talk to and no one will listen to me.

I need something solid…Something real to grab onto so that I can stay afloat. New York has turned into a huge ocean, and I am trying to swim, but I can’t keep up with the water. I don’t want to drown; I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t lived, I haven’t done nearly enough in my life. I want to get married, raise a family, and love them forever and never let them go.

Why can’t anyone hear me?! I’m screaming so loud! I’m looking right at people, and they look at me, but it’s like I’m not even there. Don’t let me drown in all of this! Don’t let the pressure of the water take me under! The faster I swim, the more the water pushes from behind me, and rushes waves over the top of me, pulling me down. I can get up to breath, but then I’m pulled away again.

New York is dark; I am alone. There is no one. The water has faded, but the city changes again. The lights have all disappeared in the buildings, and one by one, the street lamps are failing. No cars, no people, nothing. I look down, and the feeling of loneliness washes over me like one of the waves. A tear drop falls to the ground, and the rain begins to pour all around me. I can’t move. I can’t will my feet to take a step, and the rain continues to soak every inch of me.

I can no longer tell the difference between my tears and the raindrops. The harder I cry, the faster the rain falls. Sobs become lightening, and I can’t stop. Every ache, every pain flows out of me and into the rain collecting at my feet. The rain pounds harder and harder, but suddenly, there’s no more. Everything slows, until I finally bring my head up. And there she is.

The rain ceases, and the city brightens once again. She stands in the shadow of the street lights, and she is the only one. Everything is quiet, and she walks up to me, and takes my hand.

“It’s okay. I’m here.”

My whole body shakes with relief and longing. I sag into her arms, and we fall to our knees. She has saved me. Suddenly, the tears flow again, but this time, I’m not alone.

I breathe in the smell of her hair, and I feel the warmth of her touch. I can feel her smile, and I know her heart. The sun rises over the water, and we stare into the ocean. I feel free.

With her, I feel infinite.

(This is a creative writing I did based on the above song, and the emotions that I felt completely rolling out of me while I listened. Of course, it’s abstract, but it moved me to tears as I wrote it.)


Week Four of Weight Watchers… October 14, 2012

I was quite depressed at my last weight in on the October 6th. I was really sick (terrible flu! GET YOUR FLU SHOTS!!!) and Mother Nature had paid me an uninvited visit. I was bloated and felt gross, and low and behold, I had gained 3lbs. I wanted to cry; I was scared that it was something I was doing wrong. I didn’t want to go to the meeting, but I stayed and celebrated that my friend had lost 5% already. I sat there wanting to disappear.

I’ll be honest, I tried to come up with excuses for not going on Saturday. I’m lucky that I am doing this with my best friend, because not going was simply not an option for her. I very reluctantly got on the scale…

…and I had lost 4.6lbs.

I was confused for a moment…I asked the receptionist “Is that 4.6lbs total, or for the week?”

She smiled, as if she had been asked that hundreds of times, and said “No, hun…that is just this week! You’re 9lbs down total!”

Weight Watchers lady, you completely made my day! Four weeks, and I am down 9lbs! My brother had said that it doesn’t sound like much, but at the same time, I’ve been told my face looks thinner, and I feel like it is actual FAT, and not just water. I will admit, the past two weeks have been dicey, and I haven’t tracked EVERYTHING that I have been eating, and that’s bad. I need to make sure to keep tracking, BUT, I feel like this is working great for me!

Tomorrow is going to be a true test, though…I am baking my mom a cake tomorrow. Spice cake with a spiced frosting, and I am baking it by myself. No one around. No one to see the spoonful of frosting here, or the taste test there. No one but me. But, what I eat in private shows up in public, right?

I am quite excited for my baking tomorrow, though. I don’t believe I have ever mentioned it, but I absolutely love baking. Eventually, I would love to open my own bakery, and make wedding cakes. I haven’t gone to school for it yet, but I plan to in the next year or so. I love decorating and watching people smile when they see what I have made for them. It’s such an indescribable feeling.

So, for this skeptic, WW has been great for me thus far. I’m learning so much about myself, and they are things that I can take with me through my entire life. It’s not a diet, it is a true lifestyle change. I’m changing eating habits, and learning from my body when I am and am not hungry. It’s fantastic, and I am happy that I am 8lbs away from losing 5% already. I’m hoping to achieve that goal in three weeks.

Well, that’s about all I have for tonight. I might hop on here tomorrow and share pictures of my cake creation, assuming it turns out pretty and edible.

Hope you have a wonderful night 🙂

Xoxo Elysia

PS — Seahawks beat the Patriots today!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Week One of Weight Watchers. September 23, 2012

Filed under: Life,Weight loss — lostinalife @ 8:33 pm
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Well, I did it. I finally joined Weight Watchers with the encouragement from a very good friend of mine. I have been incredibly skeptical of Weight Watchers for a long time; I’ve made up every excuse in the book to not join. I joined Sunday September 16th, and one week later, here’s what happened…

On a typical day, my meals consisted of an energy drink, some sort of bacon, egg, and cheese, and some calorie and fat packed lunch. Being insulin resistant, this was not a good idea, and weight started piling on. I was drinking pop like no one’s business, and I was some how okay with it. This past year, I’ve gone through a lot of changes in my life; I came out and accepted being lesbian, I moved back in with my parents after a bad break up, and I struggled with depression. After the break up and realizing I was depressed, I looked at myself in the mirror – I mean I took a really close look. I hated what I saw.

I weighed in last Sunday at 343lbs, and I wanted to die.

So, joining Weight Watchers was very important to me. My friend brought me to a meeting before I signed up, and it did open my eyes to show that I was not the only one who struggled. It was already a warming feeling to know that I was not alone. Starting on Sunday, I got to work.

I didn’t really mean to make changes, honestly. I saw how many points my Rockstar drinks were, and didn’t want to waste the points on them. I found the nutritional info for the meals I had been eating, and was stunned. I began switching things without even thinking about it. Water, to save on points, and fruit and veggies, because they are zero points. I won’t lie, I had a burger for lunch, and I even enjoyed a beer or two, but each day, I stayed below my allotted points, and even kicked a nasty caffeine addiction that I had struggled with for far too long.

I weighed in yesterday 5.8lbs lighter.

It’s not much considering what a long journey I have ahead of me, but god damn I lost nearly 6 lbs! I can’t even describe the feeling. I was doubtful for so long, and didn’t think this could possibly work for me, but there it was – results already! I know it has to be due to water weight, and skipping on the high sugar beverages, but still. I couldn’t stop smiling.

I don’t expect to lose 6lbs each week, and clearly, that would be unhealthy. But for some reason, Weight Watchers has given me a structure that I could never put together myself, and motivation that I have simply never had before. Getting on the scale yesterday in front of the receptionist and my best friend was scary, but it also made me want to continue to try my absolute hardest at this.

Here’s to hoping my weigh in on September 29th also wields great results!

Xoxo – Elysia


Thoughts of the night. September 2, 2012

Filed under: Autumn,Life,Music — lostinalife @ 5:43 am
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One of my favorite things to do on a Saturday night, believe it or not, is to listen to Yiruma and just write whatever comes to mind. Yiruma is a beautiful composer of piano music; it’s all completely instrumental, and some of the most touching music I have ever had the pleasure of listening to. It’s the type of music that when I listen to it, I feel something; I feel happy and excited, or I feel a little morose and reflective – sometimes I even get a scene in my head of what the music portrays. His song “Kiss the Rain” reminds me of looking out of the window of a beautiful Victorian house during the autumn rains, watching the world go by. Or of walking down the street in the rain, with a large umbrella; no one is in a hurry to their destination…they are taking their time, and enjoying everything around them.

I suppose I am one of the people that must be able to relate to the music I listen to in one way or another. I love music that captures your story, whatever it is, and makes you live that emotion. Tonight, I’m loving Yiruma.

I had so many thoughts to share tonight about random things in politics and whatnot, but I just can’t seem to get it all out right now. Perhaps it is the music; too relaxing to get wound up about serious issues. Perhaps it is that I’ve been going through a rough time lately and it would be nice to take some times to relax…whatever the reason, I just don’t feel like it tonight.

Apparently, there are no other thoughts in my head – where did they all go? I’m sitting here at my computer day dreaming, and all other thoughts have disappeared. Most people probably don’t want to know what I was day dreaming about, so I won’t bother, but I really just can’t get it out of my head, and no other comprehensible thoughts are emerging.

Nightly writers block, I suppose? It happens more times than I care to admit.

*taps my foot and scratches my head…*

Wow…I guess that really is it for the night. I guess next time I’ve have to write down my original thoughts so I don’t get distracted by music and random day dreams.

Have a beautiful night,



Longing for Autumn August 27, 2012

Filed under: Autumn,Football,Seasons — lostinalife @ 4:54 am
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I can’t help it; I want it to be fall so badly right now.

Thankfully, we’re not too far away. Here in the Pacific Northwest fall tends to show up around mid-September or perhaps slightly earlier. As a pale redhead, summer and I don’t mix well – at all. There are so many reasons as to why I long for fall that some of them I can hardly describe. The feelings, the atmosphere…so very beautiful.

I love pumpkin spice lattes, cold crisp air that requires a sweater, and the sun setting sooner in the evening. I love going to the pumpkin patches and trying to carve patterns that are way too difficult for my skills. There have been many times when I’ve been so excited to do a specific pattern, then half way into it I curse under my breath, asking whatever deity that will listen why they allowed me to choose this…Somehow, though, they always turn out.

I also love football games on Sundays. Every Sunday, I go see my dad, we have snacks, and we watch the Seahawks game together. It’s filled with laughter, and the occasional moment of screaming at the television at an exciting play. Usually afterwards we have some political discussion, or talk about history, or even just talk about work. As silly as it sounds, I don’t see my dad much outside of football season; everything else just seems so busy and there’s rarely time. Football Sundays usually contain so many great memories. September 9th can’t possible come soon enough – first game of the season!

Fall brings me a peace that I can’t seem to explain correctly. Nothing in life changes; I still have to pay my bills, go to work, watch the news…But the feeling is different. There is a different glow to the world with all the brightly colored leaves that you just don’t get any other time of year. There is an unhurried feeling driving into work while the sun is rising and you are sipping on your coffee or tea. The feeling is almost magical.

Autumn can’t possibly come soon enough for me this year. ❤




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