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O, alcohol. May 5, 2013

I don’t have a drinking problem, though when you read this you will think that I do.

I like writing when the drunk opportunistic arises, though I feel bad that it’s the second time in a week. But anyways, I have a few friends over, one of them a male, the other a female. The female I have had a crush 0ne for the longest time. The male is different, obviously. I’m drunk, but checking my spelling quite closely, and the only friend staying over is the guy. No big, he’s like my brother, I love him to death.

Fuck, this is taking too long. I can’t seem to type without proper grammar and shit. Whatever. I will try to let it go. Don’t think I am. UGH. FINE. I am drunk with my best friend and mom. SO EFFING SUE ME. Don’t care. ANYWAYS. My best friend is a guy. I think if I wasn’t gay then I’d be with him. That’s a weird thing to say. He’s just a cool guy. ANYWAY FUCKING WAYS. I’m talking to this girl. She seems legit. Ish. I don’t know how old she is. But I’m ready to be done with all these games and shit.

I want someone. I wants someone who understands me and loves me. I wants someone who gets why I love my family and why I care so much.

I suppose doing this blog doesn’t help…Finn, what do you think? I know this is the second drunk post I’ve made. Why don’t I fly across the pond and live with you? Maybe life would be less complicated. Perhaps I will fly across the pond anyways. You’re my favorite on this blog. But I digress. I hope my friends undersrtand me. I hope they get my I am frustrated. I hope they understand why I can’t seem to share my feelings. Oh well. I give up. I don’t understad what love means right now. I hate feelign this way.

Anywho,, mom’s home from her walk, shoul probably get off here. Hope al is well! Love you all.





New iPod, and starting Weight Watchers tomorrow. March 20, 2013

Yesterday I won a 30GB 5th Gen. iPod Classic on eBay for such a good price. I’m thinking I’ll be taking a lot more walks around the block now that I have portable music. I can’t wait for it to arrive!

Tomorrow, I will be starting Weight Watchers Online. I’m actually pretty excited; I feel like it’s going to be good this time around. I’m pretty ready to get serious about this whole thing again. It’s been depressing to think of all the things I have struggled with and can’t do anymore because of the amount of weight I’ve gained. I hate being out of breath after climbing just one flight of stairs, or having to struggle with certain car seatbelts because they’re just barely big enough…it’s incredibly upsetting, but it’s all my fault. I’m ready to fix this.

I have put a motivation board up in my room to keep me going even when times get a little tough. I have my goal weight written on it, and I have taped a picture of a beautiful dress that I want when I reach my goal. It also has a few motivational sayings to help remind me to stay on track. I’ll keep adding to it as I go!

That’s really all I have for the night…I’ll keep you posted 🙂

(PS – I still haven’t gone on Facebook since I first started posting about my weight loss…still need to lose 100lbs to go on there! I haven’t given that part up 🙂 )


The emotions of a song. November 4, 2012

(The music while reading this helps bring out the emotion. Please enjoy.)

It’s like I’m running through a city; New York and no one can hear me scream and cry for someone to help me. I just want help…All I need is someone to talk to and no one will listen to me.

I need something solid…Something real to grab onto so that I can stay afloat. New York has turned into a huge ocean, and I am trying to swim, but I can’t keep up with the water. I don’t want to drown; I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t lived, I haven’t done nearly enough in my life. I want to get married, raise a family, and love them forever and never let them go.

Why can’t anyone hear me?! I’m screaming so loud! I’m looking right at people, and they look at me, but it’s like I’m not even there. Don’t let me drown in all of this! Don’t let the pressure of the water take me under! The faster I swim, the more the water pushes from behind me, and rushes waves over the top of me, pulling me down. I can get up to breath, but then I’m pulled away again.

New York is dark; I am alone. There is no one. The water has faded, but the city changes again. The lights have all disappeared in the buildings, and one by one, the street lamps are failing. No cars, no people, nothing. I look down, and the feeling of loneliness washes over me like one of the waves. A tear drop falls to the ground, and the rain begins to pour all around me. I can’t move. I can’t will my feet to take a step, and the rain continues to soak every inch of me.

I can no longer tell the difference between my tears and the raindrops. The harder I cry, the faster the rain falls. Sobs become lightening, and I can’t stop. Every ache, every pain flows out of me and into the rain collecting at my feet. The rain pounds harder and harder, but suddenly, there’s no more. Everything slows, until I finally bring my head up. And there she is.

The rain ceases, and the city brightens once again. She stands in the shadow of the street lights, and she is the only one. Everything is quiet, and she walks up to me, and takes my hand.

“It’s okay. I’m here.”

My whole body shakes with relief and longing. I sag into her arms, and we fall to our knees. She has saved me. Suddenly, the tears flow again, but this time, I’m not alone.

I breathe in the smell of her hair, and I feel the warmth of her touch. I can feel her smile, and I know her heart. The sun rises over the water, and we stare into the ocean. I feel free.

With her, I feel infinite.

(This is a creative writing I did based on the above song, and the emotions that I felt completely rolling out of me while I listened. Of course, it’s abstract, but it moved me to tears as I wrote it.)


Longing for Autumn August 27, 2012

Filed under: Autumn,Football,Seasons — lostinalife @ 4:54 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I can’t help it; I want it to be fall so badly right now.

Thankfully, we’re not too far away. Here in the Pacific Northwest fall tends to show up around mid-September or perhaps slightly earlier. As a pale redhead, summer and I don’t mix well – at all. There are so many reasons as to why I long for fall that some of them I can hardly describe. The feelings, the atmosphere…so very beautiful.

I love pumpkin spice lattes, cold crisp air that requires a sweater, and the sun setting sooner in the evening. I love going to the pumpkin patches and trying to carve patterns that are way too difficult for my skills. There have been many times when I’ve been so excited to do a specific pattern, then half way into it I curse under my breath, asking whatever deity that will listen why they allowed me to choose this…Somehow, though, they always turn out.

I also love football games on Sundays. Every Sunday, I go see my dad, we have snacks, and we watch the Seahawks game together. It’s filled with laughter, and the occasional moment of screaming at the television at an exciting play. Usually afterwards we have some political discussion, or talk about history, or even just talk about work. As silly as it sounds, I don’t see my dad much outside of football season; everything else just seems so busy and there’s rarely time. Football Sundays usually contain so many great memories. September 9th can’t possible come soon enough – first game of the season!

Fall brings me a peace that I can’t seem to explain correctly. Nothing in life changes; I still have to pay my bills, go to work, watch the news…But the feeling is different. There is a different glow to the world with all the brightly colored leaves that you just don’t get any other time of year. There is an unhurried feeling driving into work while the sun is rising and you are sipping on your coffee or tea. The feeling is almost magical.

Autumn can’t possibly come soon enough for me this year. ❤




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