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Absolutely terrified July 22, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — lostinalife @ 7:58 pm
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I’m so scared to get back on the scale. It makes me just want to cry thinking about it. I’ve completely neglected myself; lost all control over my eating and activity. I can see negative changes to my body…things are getting hard to do. My face is getting fatter. My ankles are bigger. I can’t do this any more. I just can’t. I CAN’T DO IT.

I’m ashamed of myself in every way possible. I hate going anywhere, doing anything…I went to see a movie with my family yesterday, and I had to sit a seat away from everyone because I was in everyone’s space. I HAD TO SIT AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND SIT ALL BY MY FUCKING SELF BECAUSE I WAS TOO FAT. I’ve done this all to myself – I know I have. I’m horrified, sickened, disgusted. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I guess I’m going to start juicing again in the mornings, and trying to eat better during the day. I’ve also been going to water aerobics lately with some co workers so that’s going alright. I have to do something about this. I don’t want to die of a heart attack in my 20s. I refuse to slowly kill myself anymore. Yesterday was a huge eye opener for me, and I intend to use it as major motivation.

I’m also going to try to establish a doctor in my area for guidance. I need some serious help, and I need to get back onto my PCOS medication. I’m insulin resistant…that isn’t helping anything AT ALL. It’s not diabetes, but it’s very close.

So, I guess that’s it. I’m sorry for being gone (working over 50+ hours a week lately), and I probably will only post every few days, but I need to get something started here. I was doing so well for a while, and I’d love to get back to that. I would do anything to get back to that.



Goodbye Facebook, hello refocusing! January 22, 2013

If you’re reading this, most likely you’re one of my Facebook friends who are wondering why in the hell I’ve decided to disappear off of Facebook for a while. So, hello!

While some may find this silly, I don’t care too much. Essentially, I’m leaving Facebook to refocus myself on losing weight. Believe it or not (and you probably will…) I have about 200 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight. TWO HUNDRED EFFING POUNDS! It freaks me out just thinking about it. But, it’s the truth. If you’re a true friend, you won’t judge me. If you’re judging me (“OMG 200 lbs?! GROSS! Blah blah blah blah”), then go the hell away.

So…here’s the general plan:

I’m leaving Facebook until I lose half of that. Yes, that’s right…HALF. I won’t be back until I lose 100lbs. That’s a lot. It’s daunting, and I have my doubts about if I can do it, but I’ll be damned if I won’t give it a shot. It could take a year or longer, but if that’s what it takes, then that’s alright. Being away from Facebook could help me remain positive, and will prevent me from just sitting on my ass and not doing anything. It’s a win,win.

Tonight, I took a “before” picture. I cringed, because it was horrible, and I couldn’t honestly look at it without wanting to beat myself up about the entire situation. I plan on taking a comparison picture every month or so to keep track of my progress, and to generally keep myself motivated. When I come back from my Facebook hiatus, I’ll post all of the pictures so you guys can also see my progress.

Some of you might read this an say “this is the most ridiculous thing ever”, and that’s okay. You don’t have to understand it, and you certainly don’t have to agree with it. I’m doing this for myself, not you. I’m only writing this to give anyone who cares a heads up of why I am not on Facebook anymore.

If you wanna chat, great! My email address is cruzie206@gmail.com. Email me if you want my cell number. Also, please email/text me to keep me updated on upcoming events (school reunion, baby showers, etc.). I promise, I check my email like crazy.

Well, I’m taking the plunge! Tonight is my last night on Facebook. See ya when I’m 100lbs lighter!



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